Are My Expectations Too High?

This is often the first question you might ask yourself when your relationship starts to struggle.  Am I expecting too much?

Let’s assume the answer is no.  How are you going to convince someone to meet them?  My guess is you’ve already tried, to no avail. 

Let’s assume the answer is yes.  Are you suddenly going to say, “Oh, my bad.  I guess I won’t let that thing bother me anymore”?

This is why I don’t spend time in therapy determining if your expectations are the problem.

Instead, I help you focus on standards.

What’s the difference?  Hint: it has a lot to do with boundaries.

Expectations are your beliefs about how someone should behave or think.  And they center you and typically reflect how you’d choose to move through the world.  They are what you place on others.

Expectations can often indicate lack of boundaries.  You aren’t recognizing that others might think or feel or behave differently from you.  (And that your way isn’t necessarily the “right” way).

Standards are about what you will allow or tolerate.  They reflect core values and what you hold yourself to, first and foremost.  And they reflect the boundaries you’re willing to enforce.

Standards acknowledge that other people are allowed to do, think and feel what they want.  And that it might not work for you.

Here’s what this might look like in real life:

“If you care about me, I expect you to take me on a date.”  The date doesn’t happen, you feel let down.  The focus is on what the other person did or didn’t do.

“My standard for relationships is feeling cared for and made a priority.”  If this doesn’t happen, you create a consequence…like “I won’t be in this relationship.”  The focus is on your boundaries.

Shifting focus to your standards allows you to let go of expectation and step in to the power you have.  You’ll spend less time disappointed and be a lot less confused about how to move forward.  Standards create a container for your relationship.