I’m a Therapist Who De-Centers Men from the Therapeutic Space

No, I don’t hate men. And yes, I recognize that most of my clients are in relationships with men. So why do I choose to actively de-center them?

Because your therapy isn’t his.

Many mental health symptoms and the research that supports diagnoses were normed on men.  Because of this, men’s behavior and physiology are often positioned as the default human norm.  Girl, what?  Instead, I account for the diversity of experiences and bring in the psychoeducation and interventions that are specific to your life, for your benefit.  And I will always ask, “Does this apply to your unique circumstance(s) as a woman?”

Ever notice how relationship advice will encourage you to watch your tone, aim to choose the “right time” to bring something up, and avoid “nagging?”  That’s reinforcing of patriarchal expectations so I don’t do that here.  Yes, I’ll teach you healthy communication and de-escalation techniques, but we aren’t centering your partner’s comfort or infantilizing his ability to receive hard information.  The focus of therapy is on you. 

Let’s shift away from the male gaze.  That means spending less time on how to be accepted by your partner and more time identifying what you like.  What do you need more of?  What would you like to do less of?  How do you advocate for that?  I’ll teach you how to set the boundaries that best support getting what you want and need.

If you’re doing most of the emotional and mental labor in your relationship, it’s good practice to be in a space where you get to focus on you. De-centering men doesn’t mean your partner’s perspective isn’t considered, it’s simply secondary to yours.