He Needs to Change…Why Am I the One in Therapy?

Here’s why focusing on your partner’s behavior is having the opposite effect (ie. they’re unchanging and maybe even doubling down).

When someone feels like your project — like you want them to be different than they are — shame is the natural result.  And with shame, comes defensiveness, self-protection, disconnect, and maybe even a power struggle.

An alternative is doing your own work in therapy so that you can approach with curiosity instead of judgment.

You practice acceptance over alteration.

You shift from fixing to influencing.

You stay regulated long enough to choose connecting over correcting.

And ultimately, when this is the work you’ve done, you can more accurately evaluate compatibility.